The Last Reminder Of Capitol
by Pempees90
Summary: When Peeta gets his dream come true, things don't go as excepted.


Peeta says it will be okay, but I can not be so sure about it. Things aren't pointing to that direction at the moment.

I let the warm water soothe me all over, as I gently move my hand over my flat stomach. For a week, I kept watching Peeta, wondering what to say to him; wondering if this is the right thing to do. I know I said yes to trying, but I didn't realize how fast we would get to this part.

When I realized it myself, the shock had been enormous. Deep down, I always thought I would be too _damaged_ to get into this condition, too far gone. I wasn't even sure could Peeta do it after everything… But the evidence was undeniable. The moment I was emptying my stomach into the toilet, I was more scared than ever in my life; even more afraid than I was in the two Hunger Games or in the war. How could I do this?

Finally last night I had talked to Peeta when we were about to go to bed. With a trembling voice and shaky hands stroking his hands, I mumbled out the words: "I think I'm pregnant."

The joy on Peeta's face was immediate, and for a second it caught to me as well. I smiled back to him as he grabbed me and drowned me into his kisses. He had pushed me to lie down and had hovered over me kissing everything he could see. But in the next second his hands were fumbling on my throat, never touching, but the dilated pupils in his eyes told me he was having a flashback.

I have already had years of practice with Peeta's flashbacks, so I rolled from under Peeta's fingers to the floor, and left him rip the sheets.

"The child won't survive in your body, you mutt! How did you trick me into this?" he yelled and took to his feet. That was the point when I crawled into the bathroom and locked the door behind me. Usually I stayed and was brave for him. We always managed to pull him out of that dark place, but something very simple, very _maternal_, made me back away.

I let myself slide completely under the water, letting the water block the voices of the people talking outside. It is still mystery to me how the world can go on when mine is fighting to stay on its feet. My hand makes circular movement on my tummy underwater, and I wonder did I make the biggest mistake of my life.

Peeta has been much better the past years, fewer and fewer attempts on my life – none in the past five years. He is not the same he was before, but none of us are. We went through a war, we have built our country again, and we are all scarred in our own way.

Finally I have to come back to the surface again to get some air, and I am just in time to hear the front door open and close. Peeta left last night in some point, after he had yelled all the insults he could come up with. I had tried to block them with covering my ears with my hands, but Peeta's voice can be very piercing.

My heart starts beating faster. He wouldn't have come back if the flashback hadn't passed. Now would be the time for us sort things out and talk about it. Peeta will feel guilty, I will feel guilty, he tries to repair last night, and if the old habits are still in me, I probably just make things worse.

I grunt and disappear back under the water, but very soon it starts bothering me that I can't hear from here where Peeta is in the house, so I pull myself up again and let me close my eyes. He is completely used to his prosthesis leg now, and is much quieter than he use to be: probably due the countless hours I dragged him to the forest when I was feeling too empty, too weak to go alone.

Still I can tell that he is moving around the kitchen; even though I don't hunt as much as I did, my hunter's hearing is still as sharp as ever. What is he doing? I can hear him walking around the kitchen and living room restlessly.

Finally I can hear him in the stairs, and he gently calls out my name. The way my name rolls off from his tongue always manages to get goosebumps all over my body. He says it so gently, and he never uses it during his episodes.

I still stay in the tub, just listening to him. He reaches our bedroom door and slowly opens it. It softly creeks as it always does, and automatically I try to make my breathing shallow. I can't say that I am afraid of Peeta, because we did establish years ago that the man who surfaces during the episodes is not him, but the last reminder of Capitol's power, but I still have the need to make completely sure that he is back to being himself. I didn't want to risk anything – especially not now.

I don't hear him anymore, but I can tell that he is standing right behind the bathroom door. I can feel his presence.

Soft knock on the door confirms my suspicions.

"Katniss, I know you are in there. Please come out," his voice is full of pain, and I know that I should get up. I should go to him. He never asked to become this hollow shell of himself, neither of us did. I can hear Peeta's head thudding against the door and I slowly get up.

I can not shut him out now. Maybe the hardest part is just ahead of us, maybe the Capitol found a way to ruin this for Peeta as well, but I don't want to be the one who blames him for things that aren't in his control. I am not the perfect wife, and I will not be the perfect mother. But I can do this for him.

I wrap a towel around me and walk quietly to the door. Just as my hand is hovering over the lock, Peeta starts talking again.

"I'm not sure what happened yesterday. I can not even start describing how _sorry_ I am, but I know that even if I did, it won't change a thing. I did what I did, and it is unacceptable. I want to beg your forgiveness; I want to make you realize that what I felt before the episode is what matters," Peeta takes a long breath on the other side of the door and I press my forehead against it. My hand lies flat against the door's cool, smooth surface. Oh, Peeta, what are we going to be?

"But after all these years… You and I, Katniss, we have been to hell and back together. We pretty much go there every night. I know you can keep me here, and you can pull me back to the surface during the episodes...," again a long break during which I hold my breath, "Last night, as I occupied Haymitch's couch, I was thinking. Maybe I have been selfish. I have clung onto you, so you can keep me alive, when you don't necessarily need me."

My hand forms a fist and I close my eyes. The pain of his words hit me. How can he think, _after all this time_, that I do not need him? I need him probably even more than he needs me. He is my safe haven. He is my anchor.

"Katniss. Maybe I need to go. Move to 11 perhaps; leave you to live your life the way you see fit," Peeta's voice is weak, but his words seem like a shout. They are like bullets from a gun and each one of the hits me right into the heart. I find myself gasping for air, and with furious movements I open the door.

Peeta looks startled behind it, but he recovers fast and his face reflects all the pain his words are causing him as well. Everything spins around me, as I stare into those blue eyes.

"I am sorry, I came to this conclusion too late," his eyes wander to my stomach, "but I guess it's better late than never. I will help you the best I can, but I will… stay away…" his voice is flat, and his eyes are glimmering with tears. When I see one slipping to his cheek, I realize mine are running freely.

_Do something_! I know I should, but I have lost all the control over my body and voice. Peeta takes my silence all wrong and gives me a sad smile. For a while his hand hovers in the air about to touch my wet hair, but then he pulls it back.

Without saying anything further he turns, and walks out of the room.

I just stare, unsure of what just actually happened. But as I hear the front door opening, I see it in front on my eyes; my life without Peeta. The poor baby being born to the damaged Mockingjay, the countless nights I stay awake just because I am too scared to go to sleep, the grey colour everything would be, miserable child who grows to hate me, me silently fading away from existence, starving for Peeta.

"No!" a shriek comes from my mouth and before I can figure out what to do I am scrambling after Peeta. I run straight out. He hasn't got too far yet; he is just outside our house.

"Peeta!" I yell, and he turns around. My whole body is trembling, as I run to him in just my towel, not caring who might see me. I would do anything to get him to stay.

"You can not leave. I… I need you," I have never been good at saying stuff, and now I really need to get everything I feel for him out so he will understand.

He doesn't say anything, just looks at me and waits.

"I need you just as much as you need me, Peeta. That's why we work, that's why we make sense. If you leave I got nothing keeping me here. I don't know will I have the power to do this alone," I ramble and curse myself for being so useless with words. Peeta has always been the spokes person; only time I am good with words is when I am angry, when I am provoked.

But Peeta knows all that, and he has always been able to read what I really want to say from between the lines. He is looking at me like I just saved him and I guess I kind of did; I saved us both from eternity of loneliness. Slowly his hands wrap me inside them and he hugs me with all his might. His face buries itself into my wet hair.

"Katniss, I can't promise you anything. I can't say that it won't happen again, the news triggered something in my mind that I thought I had overcome. I really thought I had come too far to go back being _him_," his words are just mumbles against my hair but I catch every one of them.

"Only promise I need is that you'll stay. Forever," I whisper, and suddenly I am lifted off my feet. Peeta is carrying me back inside and I know that I never want to lose him. There would be nothing for me.

"Everything is going to be okay, Katniss. I'll stay for forever and we are going to be happy. All three of us," Peeta says and then he smiles, like he did yesterday before his episode. He is allowing himself be happy and it makes me happy.


End file.
